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11/08/2007 11:55 PM ID: 66328 Permalink   

Neorhino Party Promise Marijuana and Orgasms for Everyone


The Rhinoceros is back, after a 14-year absence from Canadian politics, and this time, they are promising weekly orgasms, marijuana in every pot, making Spanish Canada's official language, and forcing current Prime Minister Stephen Harper to diet.

The neorhinos describe themselves as Marxist-Lennonists, basing their platforms upon the philosophies of Groucho Marx & John Lennon. The party was founded on the principle that people have become too disenfranchised with politics.

Almost 40% of Canadians do not vote. The Neorhinos hope that everyone who does not vote, voted for them, they would have a chance at winning a majority government. In 1980, the Rhinos captured just over 1% of the popular vote.

    WebReporter: Zpravodajec Show Calling Card      
ASSESS this news: BLOCK this news. Reason:
  Some of the Rhinos' Previous Promises:  
Repealing the law of gravity;
Paving Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot;
Providing higher education by building taller schools;
Instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages;
Tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset;
Making Montreal the Venice of North America by damming the St. Lawrence River;
Abolishing the environment because it's too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space;
Annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory, after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories (Nunavut did not yet exist) in Canada's backyard, in order to eliminate foreign control of Canada's natural resources;
Ending crime by abolishing all laws;
Paving the Bay of Fundy to create more parking in the Maritimes;
Turning Montreal's Saint Catherine Street into the world's longest bowling alley;
Adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last;
Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California;
Putting the national debt on Visa;
Declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons;
Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros "Hindquarters" in Montréal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this);
Painting Canada's coastal sea limits in watercolour so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times;
Banning guns and butter, since both kill;
Banning lousy Canadian winters;
Renaming the country Nantucket;
Donate a free rhinoceros to every aspiring artist in Canada
  by: Zpravodajec     11/08/2007 11:59 PM     
i dunno whether to treat this as a joke or take it seriously. lemme think aboot it.

thought about it and its awesomly ridanculous.

i wud vote for them (if i was canadian) if they could cancel law of gravity.
Also donating a rhino to every aspiring artist wud be fun to watch. One thing for sure, there are gonna be a lot of video clips on youtube showing aspiring artists being gored by restless rhinos.
  by: theef     11/09/2007 12:34 AM     
  I would  
def vote for them. All sounds like good fun to me.
  by: Maxx20     11/09/2007 01:49 AM     
  I like the one  
about abolishing the environment
  by: hl2k   11/09/2007 02:04 AM     
Could we please import a few of these pro-active politicians into the USA? I don't like the Spanish thing but the rest sounds OK. We could promote them on the Daily Show and Colbert Report.
  by: starmutt   11/09/2007 05:45 AM     
  I don't know man,  
I'm leaning to the Regressive Party
(AGAINST abortion, FOR killing babies)
  by: fballer23   11/09/2007 05:46 AM     
  It’s a Discordian’s wet dream  
At long last I have a political party that I can truly believe in, a party that understands me and caters to my fantasies and dysphoria’s. A party that really knows how to PARTY! Imagine! I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Remember, man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
  by: Valkyrie123     11/09/2007 03:18 PM     
If I were 80 years older, wait, not, I'll be dead before I'm 80 let alone alive in another 80 years

If you were 80 years younger...
  by: AnsweringQuestions     11/09/2007 03:47 PM     
  better said.  
"disenfranchised with politics."

Better to day "disenfranchised with reality" Sure they are not base in San Francisco?
  by: inchdeep     11/09/2007 07:34 PM     
  two rhinos in every garage!  
and empty beercans in every driveway.

i do admit though, it might be swell to have yer own private rhino. maybe one could train it to be an attack rhino?
  by: elijah4twenty     11/09/2007 09:48 PM     
Could we write them in for president ot the USA in 2008? They get my vote!
  by: psycobob     11/10/2007 12:57 AM     
  Uk Need this party  
Well they will get my vote can you please insist they run in UK?

Ace story I do not understand why no-one is taking this as serious? it is beyond me this party has all the answers we could ever need.

Gordon Brown wake up and smell the pot.
  by: captainJane     11/10/2007 04:10 AM     
  The ones  
about higher education and belgians actually made me laugh out loud
  by: RyanB     11/10/2007 04:16 PM     
I would only use my rhino when I need to park in a crowded lot and some jerk is taking up two spaces. Rhinos love shoving things around and putting huge horn-holes in them.
  by: white albino   11/10/2007 06:29 PM     
They have some brilliant ideas...they've got my vote! Particularly noteworthy is the idea of "selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California". The senate would finally have some value in Canada!! :p
  by: nirvana_grrl   11/11/2007 03:07 PM     
i dunno.... it would be awfully tempting to take your rhino to parties, .. get it to balance a hotdog on its horn. or make it beg for treats.. how about taking your rhino to the beach for a jog?

or you could always just use your rhino to move those knuckleheads who insist on parking their cars in their handicapped spots with no placard.

your own personal rhino is all of a sudden sounding more and more swell by the minute,
  by: elijah4twenty     11/12/2007 07:39 AM     
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